The 5 stages of grief
If I didn’t talk about it, if I put on a façade then I can go throughout the day, I can maintain some sense of strength and carry out my day to day roles. At one point I felt numb and didn't want to feel anything and that's when depression had hit hard. I broke down and cried when I received the news and I cried the next day, but once it was time for work I tried my best to go on with task. My heart and body was heavy, but sadly the world around doesn't stop.
I was angry, angry at the loss that keeps happening, angry at how the fuck we keep losing around the same month, around the same date. I started questioning what is really going on in the universe. Angry that this time we loss two family members in the same year and in the same month. I had even became angry with February itself.
I began to pray, just let her live, let us have her, and that we could have more time to get together and visit.
Since my grandmother died in Feb 2013, then my aunt in Feb 2014, it was a slow process for the family in healing....but then my second aunt in Feb 2019 along with another family member a week after.
I don't know how I feel about this stage, not sure if I have accepted any of the losses or maybe I'm back to being numb and suppressing the emotions of grief....I still miss them dearly. Will I ever be okay, I'm not sure but I hope in some distant future that the family as a whole can heal. It's very painful to acknowledge when a love one has passed from the physical realm to the spiritual one. I have used different ways to help by writing, dancing, crying, fighting the air, and over indulging in food that I knew would make me sick later ( in March I became very sick).
Is the five stages of grief a never ending cycle...maybe because none of us live forever in our physical form so death will always follow. I guess we can only find a way to cope enough to continue our lives and to continue for ourselves, our living family, and our ancestors. We have to lean into one another and support one another and not one person can do it alone.
WHILE IN MY TRUTH AND VULNERABILITY...MAY WE ALL FIND PEACE IN HEALING!
Thank you Julie D and the Abestos outreach team!