Yo, I'm a mother...wtf! Two years in this role and I'm still amazed. If I would have been asked five years ago, if I wanted to be a mother anytime soon, I would have said, no. Actually I have been asked that question many times five years ago, and I would look on with terror each time. The thought of being responsible for another human was scary to me. You know what though, life has a way to change you, grow you, and prepare you for your next chapter in life. WE all have choices and what we choose and do with the results of life, is what will shape our reality. Realizing that significant point, beautiful people, is what I had to realize while preparing for motherhood. I was getting prepared for motherhood, before knowing I was getting prepared for motherhood lol.
The day I found out I was pregnant, it was a bit shocking, but also funny. I had two dreams earlier that year before my pregnancy, 3 dreams while unknowingly pregnant, and one after I knew. Each dream had vital information for me to prepare. So I knew that motherhood was on the horizon, but I didn't know it was closer than I thought...so I slacked a bit on mentally preparing myself fully ( is there even a such thing as preparing one self fully?).
My whole pregnancy I wanted to make sure that everything was perfect. I was rushing my boyfriend to prepare, my anxiety was on high all the time, and I stayed working during my pregnancy. I made sure I was at work, which involved a lot of walking, public transit, and tired feet. My body was going through so many changes, my job needed my attention whole heartedly and to be honest at times, it just became too much for me but I held on. I held on because there was no way I could dump all of the financial woes on my boyfriend (also the idea of not making and having my own money when I needed it was not something I was comfortable with). I would have worked until the day of my due date but my body told me to slow down and to rest, so after working for 38 weeks of my pregnancy, I went home to "rest". My body really did need to rest, relax, meditate, and not worry so much, but I was the total opposite. I was like a chicken with it's head cut off...still. 38 weeks of going to work and now I was pacing back and forth looking for things to do and to take care of. I exhausted myself everyday cleaning, to the point I just gave up moving anything. The closer it got, I was worried, wanting everything to be just right. What I found out, was that the world just doesn't work like that. At the end of my 39th week, I had some new found energy and I started cleaning yet again. I remember cleaning out my closet and all of the sudden, liquid was leaking and I knew I wasn't urinating on myself, so I stopped what I was doing to check it out. The laboring process began, well at least for a bit, it did. I informed my boyfriend, checked in with my Douala, and called my family.
I read, " What to expect when expecting," during my whole pregnancy, so I wasn't shocked or scared, I was excited. I was kind of confused because I wasn't in much pain and liquid wasn't that much. I did not want to go the hospital just yet out of fear they would put me on a time schedule and try to give me a C-section. The next day I believe around 12ish my boyfriend and I headed to the hospital with my bag and birth plan. They checked me out and said that my water was leaking but didn't bust all the way and my cervix was only at 3 centimeters they looked over my birth plan and decided to keep me since the process started the day before coming to the hospital. My Douala met up with us at the hospital while I was getting checked in and all I could think about was, it's happening, I'm about to have a baby, a little human is going to come out of me. they gave me some medicine to help open my cervix (to give it a little push). Late that night the nurse woke me to put me on oxygen and all throughout the night my baby's heart rate kept going down, so the nurses kept waking me to switch sleeping positions, and once I switched her heart rate would go back to normal. I was terrified and there was nothing I could do except talk to God and to my baby (her father watched me carefully until I had fallen asleep and then he had fallen into a deep sleep himself). By Tuesday, my cervix still didn't move so they had to put me on Pitocin out of concern for the baby's health, and that shit kicked my ass. I have a high tolerance for pain but that shit right there, was no joke. They fore warned me though and told me that the Pitocin was going to make my laboring pains 10 times worst since it had to force my body to do what it didn't want too. My body was holding my baby for dear life, my cervix did not want to open up ( I tried to keep myself relaxed by focusing on the pictures that my boyfriend put up for me in the room, of my mom, aunties, and grandmother). My hospital room became the battle ground, my body and the Pitocin were at war. The pain had gotten so bad that I barely wanted to open my eyes and I could barely speak. I tried breathing and moving around in the bed to ease the pain, but as the pain intensified nothing seem to work.
Delivery of Life
I became delirious, I didn't know what time or day it was, and I couldn't wait for the pain to be over. The day was long and draining, but finally my body was giving in and the Pitocin was winning. I have never in my life depended on medicine like I did that day, but I was hoping it did what it needed so my body could push this baby out and heal from all the medicine that was being pushed into my body. I remember that I needed to vomit among other things and I remember the nurse was excited and said, that means your getting close. In my head I didn't want to hear close, I wanted to hear it's time. My Douala and I convinced my boyfriend to take a break and get some fresh air because he was working overtime with me. He slept and was there the whole time I was in the hospital and he didn't leave my bedside. Maybe an hour had past, I have no clue I just know some time had past and I felt a bit stronger. I knew something was up and I had a strong urge to push, I told my Douala to get the nurse and that we needed to get my boyfriend. The nurse checked me and I was at 9, my boyfriend rushed in. Everything seem to be going in fast pace but also in slow motion at the same time. How is that even possible? I have no clue. The nurse left to get in touch with my doc. I kept telling them I want to push can I push now? The nurse asked if it's okay if she got the residency doctor and I told her yeah and at that point I didn't care who was in the room all I knew is that someone better be down there to catch this baby, because I was going to push! I couldn't tell you how many people were in that room, I had my eyes close and was focused, but I heard a lot of women surrounding me. My doc got there in the nick of time, I got into my squat position, and the whole time they were encouraging me while I had them laughing (a sense humor helps me to live life). I kept pushing and pushing and they said okay, your going to feel a burning sensation, and I said oh yeah the ring of fire and they were surprised I knew that, but what they didn't know, was that I made sure to know everything I could possibly find out when giving birth. The ring of fire is when the baby's head is on its way out and once the head is out, it's smooth sailing from there. She popped out at 2:35 am and I finally physically met my 7 pound baby girl!
The After Glow
I made it through, my baby made it through, and my man made it through! The struggle we all endured on those couple of days was all worth it for our new chapter in life. I